Surrender

Surrender and letting go mean two different things. To surrender means to give something up TO someone and letting go means giving something up. That subtle difference caught my attention.

This morning I finished this book, Surrender by Nancy Leigh Demoss. I almost stopped reading it but I’m glad I didn’t. God is working on my heart as I surrender to His will… even in this book. I can’t control everything as I’ve learned in parenting.

We bought a big girl bed for our toddler. Can she even be considered a toddler anymore? I’ve held onto that word because it meant she was still little. It’s a bittersweet word though, because toddler is also synonymous with “testing limits” and “big feelings” that are often exhausting to manage let alone provide navigation while dealing with my own rebellion and emotions. 

Surrender. Letting go. I could do either one for Cailyn: I could surrender to God’s will for her life, or I can just “let go” as if she were a balloon. At least with surrender, I know Who is in charge. If she’s a balloon I can just let go of, who knows where she’ll end up? 

Isaiah 26:3 says that He keeps in perfect peace those whose minds are fixed on Him because they trust in Him (paraphrased from my memory). I can surrender my mind to Jesus – and all of the stories I make up in my head about the person who Cailyn is becoming, if I’ve done enough for her these past 3+ years, if I’m a good mom, etc., etc., etc. – because He is trustworthy. And isn’t He? Considering what He has done for me, and Patrick, and Cailyn, and you. 

Good-bye, crib. Good-bye, diaper changing table. Hello, big girl bed. Hello, big girl bedding, big girl curtains, big girl room. Good-bye to that version of myself that mothered a baby. Hello to the new version of myself mothering a big girl. Jesus, thank You for being there for all of it. The growing comes from You and I’m grateful.